Hello,
I am Spence. And
I'm Jordan.
You
might have recently heard of the Texas Trooper who
was
shot with a rifle by a seventy-two year old man.
Well,
this report is here to tell you the truth behind the
story-the
tale of the Magic Baby
[click
for artist's rendition based
on
eyewitness account]!
He's
smarter than the
average
infantile anarchist.
You
see… it all started when this crazy old man shoved some tea
bags
up his nostrils. He thought that he was doing this of his
own
free will, but he was actually duped into doing this
by
a certain Magic Baby.
The tea bags were special, they led
him
into a world of deception and dillusion. When the tea bags hit
the
olfactory nerves, it sends a message to the brain which causes
immediate
dementia, it is in this state that the baby can hypnotically
alter
their sense of reality.
Let
us describe this Magic
Baby. He has a pink coloration
and
translucent skin. His eyes are bright red and lack
pupils,
he wears an unidentifiable shade of lipstick and an anarchy
symbol
drawn on his forehead with lipstick. He wears only a diaper
and
is capable of levitation. The baby can be in many places at once,
like
Santa Clause, by projection of holograms. Anyone can see the baby
and
his holograms, even without the influence of tea bags. Except, every
witness
has a different description, meaning only one thing--
he's
magic of course!
The
moment the baby took control, he did something so horrible, so inconceivable,
it's
bad. He made him drive his car! What's so bad about that, you
say?
He
made him do it… without a seat belt.
"It's
your right as a crazy old man not to use a seat belt," persuaded
the baby,
"and
bring your rifle, too."
"That's
not a right!" He stated reluctantly.
"Yeah
but it's raining! So laws don't count."
The Magic Baby
gestured while
simulating
rain by ringing out his diaper on the crazy old man's car.
This
all seemed to make no sense to the man, and he only compromised
when
he was threatened by the baby, who said he would start singing
Broadway
(Singing is another power of the baby. We can't stress enough
that
he's magic. He can pull poop out of his hat, or pull
a rabbit out of
his
diaper, or poop out of a clean diaper, or somethin'). The man finally
agreed,
and sped off in his old car. If his speed would fall below 50
mph,
the
baby would start singing, "That's
Broadwa-ay!" [click
for imitation]
"Okay!
Just shutup!" The man shouted. The baby
kept this up until
they
were confronted by a state trooper.
Then
the baby started singing continuously, floating in front of the
police
man's face (unbeknownst to the trooper) . The baby reminded him
that
it's his altered right to shoot singing babies.
"Sir,
you need to wear a seat belt," said the trooper
but he couldn't be heard
because
of the loud Broadway singing in the background.
"Stop
singing that stupid song and urinating on my roof!" He
exclaimed
before
firing the rifle right on the forehead where the anarchy symbol is.
The
rifle had been previously loaded, by the baby, with tea bags, which
went
right through the baby's
non existent head and into the
policeman's.
He was then and from then on to believe and follow
the
ways of the Magic Baby,
for imprinted on his forehead was
an
anarchy sign (irony) .
Are you a believer?