WE CAUGHT YOU ON CAMERA, LUKE!
People are constantly switching bodies, but they never realize it because they have only the memory of their new body. They also take on the personality of the person's body they newly inhabit, so they never realize they were ever anyone else, nor does anyone else. That is... no one but us. Based upon this information and close observation of Luke and his locker, it is very apparent that Luke has succumbed to this mysterious "body switching" disorder.
We have also discovered yet another misconception and reason for Luke's strange behavior. The reason he takes so long in the rest room is because vampires cannot see mirrors. Myth has it that they have no reflection, but their problem is greater still. Luke cannot see the mirror, so he hopelessly searches the bathroom for one. This is what takes him so long. Not only does it make him take longer in the rest room, he cannot see what he looks like, and so he is often badly groomed. He is unshaven and his hair is uncombed.
Luke is allergic to trees and anything that remotely resembles a tree (as artificial trees and broccoli do). The tree look-a-likes stun Luke with great speed and force. When Luke was hit with the artificial tree, his laser vision glasses were disabled and he was helpless until he could return them to his face. It seems as though he is gaining great pleasure from playing happy sap, but that's just how it SEEMS. It is actually not so innocent nor simple as playing a game of KICKTHESACKOFBEANSINTHEAIR, Luke is actually gaining energy from this. When he is seen playing this odd game, he never works up a sweat; he just keeps going... this is how we have derived the theory that beans or silicon pellets inside a small bag give Luke power. We must stop this.
Luke accused me of being the ring leader because in his Klingon home world he took part in the local circus. Just as his former owner kept him locked up in a cage, I have locked Luke from his prized evil possessions. Because Luke didn't like being locked inside a cage, he began trying to escape, and apparently after his grand escape, he came to the jolly planet Earth™. What does he want from us? To take over our planet and prove himself to his Klingon brethren, of course! Since Luke can escape from Klingon cages, breaking through our security systems is simple for him.
It seems the vampire infestation of our world is worse than we had anticipated. Already Robynne and Mindy have succumbed to the vile will of the Necromancers. It is quite obvious they wish to trick us. If they could fool us into believing that vampires only appear in the dark, we would surely walk into the sunlight and be infected by a vampire. And if vampires were werewolves, we might underestimate them or use the wrong tools to stop them. But don't worry folks, they'll never get us.
Because Magic shows provocative images of its creatures, Luke was greatly interested in collecting this "vampire pornography". After realizing this, we switched to dinosaur cards in an attempt to aggravate Luke (dinosaurs are a frog person's worst enemy). Luke's brain size has been reduced by his rapidly expanding medulla oblongata, which should occupy approximately 2/3 of his brain, if our guess is correct. This explains his violent and stupid behavior. Luke can use his strength, but has trouble with his old problem solving skills. Jamming his books into the small shelf of his locker will help him to learn vital problem solving skills and, ultimately, restore the size of his brain.
Along with other enhanced vampire senses, Luke has inherited a profound sense of smell. When I doused his locker with women's deodorant, it covered up the smell of our hands and laughter (yes, luke can SMELL laughter, and he doesn't like it, nosiree). This made Luke livid, and he could not be certain what we had done, so he hurt me extra hard. He would not have known it was I who accomplished this, had not a friend of his spoiled our game and told Luke what I did.
Insulators: if Luke's belongings
are hot to the touch, they will burn him and teach him not to remove them
from his locker, after much repetition.
The Shrine of Lukacy: if we can convince Luke he is a god already, he may stop trying to achieve world domination, thinking he has already conquered the planet.
Non-dairy beverage: Luke obviously knows I am lactose intolerant and thought non-dairy products would appeal to me. However, I realized he was merely trying to poison me with anthrax. And of course, when he sent me marijuana, he was attempting to kill my brain cells.
We know not how Barron and Kyle have entered our world or where their true origin lies, however, we have good reason to believe they arrived by utilizing the speedy transportation of the Sea World Portals. Perhaps the next school year will offer even more strange beings from other planets for us to meet. I wonder if all creatures from other planets have funny hair like Barron and Kyle do.
Luke's "pact of non-violence"
is simply an attempt to gain our trust. We can play that game too. We began
giving Luke orange Tic Tacs (which increase adrenaline in the blood) and
also lighting his locker with Christmas light bulbs (similar to the lights
used for lighting coffins and for vampire plants). It was a success; Luke
didn't hurt us for this, he was pleased and began expecting to receive
Tic Tacs daily. It seems Luke will trust easily, which will be his downfall,
for we shall use this weakness to manipulate him!
We have come up with the
following theories as well:
Vampires can't stand banjo music.
Vampires are allergic to grapes.
The only way to kill a vampire is to drive a wooden steak through their hearth, so I hear.
I wonder where I can find a wooden piece of meat...
TO BE CONTINUED...