Turok Evolution- FRESH MEAT
game review by Jordan Strango

It all started one day when Spencer and I stopped by Electronics Boutique to look at games. After rummaging through shelves and finally growing bored, we turned to leave the store. THEN we saw it. A new game for X Box- Turok Evolution. It was right there on a system ready to play, so we ran up and started pressing buttons. I ended up with the working controller. The first thing I noticed was that walking was nearly impossible in this game. You had to use two joysticks at once. It wasn't easy, but eventually I got the hang of it.


Once I started moving, I came upon a herd of deer- or whatever they are. I'll just call them deer. Well when I got to the console, the bow and arrow was out, so I put that to use. I carefully aimed at the deer's asshole (pardon my crude language), fell down on the floor laughing, got back up, aimed again, fell down laughing, and finally shot an arrow straight up that deer's ass. The deer then squirted 15 gallons of blood or so (never knew they had so much blood) and dropped dead. Spencer and I laughed at this for a minute or so, then I continued in the game.

After killing one of the deer I changed my weapon to a club and began chasing the remaining deer. I screamed "MEEEEEEAT!!!" aloud and successfully killed one or two deer. I chased those who still lived into a pond and tried my best to thrash them with the club. Then a crocodile attacked me. I bashed him with the club but he easily killed me. Then we waited and waited for the game to "load" the level all over again...


Immediately I found myself near a group of monkeys. They also had funny asses, so I began chasing them with a club. I didn't like those monkey asses... The monkeys didn't run as quickly as the deer, if they ran at all. I screamed "COME HERE YOU F*CKING BITCH!" at the monkeys- half of the humor in playing was my idiotic screaming. The impact of club-to-monkey was satisfying, right down to the sickening thuds and high-pitched monkey squealing. I continued chasing and beating already dead monkeys, making large puddles of blood all about. I became lost in some foliage, but found my way out after a minute or so. I then found some things that looked like armadillos. Those didn't run at all, but I hit them once or twice and they just sort of bled and stopped moving. Then I stumbled upon some more deer.

I chased them again, once again yelling "MEAT!!!!" aloud in the store. Again the deer led me to the water, and again a crocodile appeared. He seemed to attack the deer, though it was difficult to tell, and then came at me. I killed him pretty well with my club, but he badly injured me. Then, as I was walking away from the water, 5 more crocodiles attacked me on land. I pulled out a pistol this time, and I capped away at their silly gangster crocodile asses. Blood was spraying everywhere, It was hard to tell whether I had killed any or not, but they eventually won the battle.


I guess you might say I enjoy senseless animal brutality too much- and hey, this game definitely had a lot of that. I found this game hilarious, the senseless killing was great. Wait a second, weren't there supposed to be dinosaurs in that game? Didn't see any. Oh well. Killing stupid animals was enough for me. I think people should go to video game stores and scream obscenities at the games, just like I did. That would be dandy. Thanks for letting me waste your time.