What the vampires weren't counting on was that a few years earlier we revealed to Luke that his real parents were frog parents and his uncle (a secret agent of the Taking Care of Luke Corporation) from New Zealand had sent him to his new parents in hope that he would someday become the warrior that destroys the evil tar babies of the underworld. His uncle sent us (secret agents as well) to aid Luke in fulfilling his destiny. But unfortunately, whenever we mention any of this to Luke, he instantly goes into denial, as he was programmed to do by the corporation. We were also given a weapon (to give to him when the time was right) that he inherited in order to defeat the evil tar babies once and for all. But he threw it away. The vampires must have tricked him to. We also made an startling discovery in a bookstore, a book written by his great grandfather from the future. In the future, we're all little rodents and Luke is the dictator with a whip and he captures people's souls in his soul bag. Anyway, we knew that we had to cure him in order to defeat the gum stains? I mean tar babies.
In order to exorcize his vampirism we would have to study his strange vampire instincts. We had already mastered the vampiric art of invisibility, so we could easily study him without his knowing it. The problem was that if we get within 3ft. (0.9m) , or if we interact with too many visible/audible objects the subject gets confused, and sometimes may think that he's in the restroom when he's really at my locker, or he may create imaginary friends in place of us. The imaginary friends are the worst because when we confuse him, in order to make sense of it all he thinks there are people where we're standing and these people offend him, so, in all the confusion he begins to kick them. We have discovered two ways to avoid this, throw up a scattering field, which confuses him even more, though we can't move or open our eyes, or create a mental block in which we can move around with our index and middle fingers on our temples, this displaces his imaginary friends so that he kicks us but misses. Some habits we've discovered is that he constantly drinks from the tall water fountain, a constant water supply regenerates ones invisibility powers, though Luke hasn't mastered this ability yet, but the tall fountain is specifically vampire water, this is how they remain vampires, though more or less harmless on humans. We are sure that this is vampire water because once we saw the master vampire come out of his lair, drink from the tall fountain, and go back into his lair. If that's not proof, then I don't know what is. We've also noticed a strange anger whenever we break into Luke's locker, we don't know where it comes from. He also enjoys vampire pellets, otherwise known as Oompas. And he also goes into his science class before the bell even rings! This could only mean that it's really the vampire lair.
The vampire lair is a well lit room where the master vampire lives, he has a mustache to cover his fangs and about fifty vampire eggs in his belly. He has to go into the vampire lair before the bell rings in order to remain a vampire, which is why we try and keep him from going in until after the third chime, and why we try to stop him from drinking the vampire water. When a vampire has been bad in the vampire lair, a great rumbling sound can be heard throughout the school, this is the sound produced when the master vampire turns delinquent vampires into plants.
Luke's locker is very special, it's the South Dock, which means a radio can be built out of it capable of contacting planets far away, specifically, the North Dock. But Luke doesn't like it. There are several components that we look for on the floor for this radio, such as external antennae, power sources (some are batteries like bricks, or AAs, while some are external and connect his locker to the wall) , data storage units (like coins) , Scriptural Transference Devices, encryptors/decryptors, microphones, speakers, puppets, plush toys, external warnings not to open because of active-radio material, tape to avoid having just anybody get in, Advil, and various medicinal capsules. The data storage units are very important, if we don't include enough of them, then when the number of messages exceeds 1,214, my watch alarm is set to go off, then at 1,219, the the school-wide alarm sounds and all the information is deleted, but by this time, Luke is usually already in the vampire lair. Whenever we add active-radio components to it, he hurts us with them. We didn't know why he did this, until one day I was learning Klingon, and Jordan told me on the phone that he's a Klingon conspirator. Suddenly it became perfectly clear, the reason he destroys the alien radio is because he is afraid we'll contact Kronos, the Klingon home planet, this is also why he calls me a dumbass when I speak Klingon. So then we began putting Highfalutin Energy Batteries, batteries capable of opening wormholes, in secret locations of his locker. The first one evaded him for a long time, but then he found it and dropped in on a ledge that couldn't be reached. With the help of Randy and a bottle cap, we were able to retrieve it and put it in the same spot, to evade him for just as long, until the process repeated, we continued with more batteries and more secret hiding places until he'd just assume Randy did it and hit him. We also found a strange formation in the bricks outside. It was a hole in the shape of a backwards "L," this was the location that the Anti-Lukes sent things to us from the future. Mostly just wrappers with information that reprogrammed the future so that Luke wouldn't take over the world. The only way to do that was to put it in his locker, but he wouldn't have that. So he through them away. The South Dock is also where he keeps his vampire bat, also called an umbrella, which he hits us with. Often, we hold elections for the president of Luke's locker, voting is done by inserting pennies into the top-left slot, sometimes consequentially jamming Luke's locker and getting ourselves kicked in the shins, Luke's always impeding the electoral process. One day, we noticed, when he was putting stuff in his locker, that he was foaming at the neck, this is the direct result of rabies. Many times, I ask Luke, "what would Freud say?" Then I would answer that ol' Sigmund would say that "because of your obsession vith zee locker, you will die." And Jordan then wonders what Willy Wonka would say.
Something else I noticed on the bus was that there was a forested area around the school enclosed by a chain link fence, with sheep inside. I also observed that there were people waiting outside a certain area of the fence, at the same time every day. I then understood that they were really elves in big people costumes, just waiting for the fence to periodically open? so they could eat the sheep. I had made the discovery a few years ago that an elves diet consists of paper, which is why in most paper there are three little holes, called elf marks. But before I saw this, I had no idea that they lived there and also ate sheep. I also saw across the street a church with a sign that said "No Trespassing; Violators will be prosecuted." But what were they trying to hide? I later found out through the art of random assumption, that it was a gnome church, where the crafty species known as gnomes live. The gnomes, being as crafty as they are built this church, the no trespassing sign, and an extra sign, for a field next to the church. Why would a field not want people on it, you ask? Using the same process, I figured out that that the dwarfs, who live underground in this field, bought the sign from the gnomes, to prevent getting stepped on.
One day Luke was acting more strangely than normal, he kept getting away from us somehow and being destructive, these were signs of his rampage, or in medical terminology, Plenarily Meniacle Sinisterness. This happens once every month, possibly caused by being a vampire, subconsciously dealing with the load his uncle bestowed upon him, Klingon instincts, rabies, and maybe even an overdose of orange Tic Tacs, it's a little known fact that Tic Tacs have time control properties and the orange ones cause violence. During his rampage, we sometimes make nature documentaries of him, even though we don't have cameras. Some things that he does in his rampage is trying to walk into pillars, which always fails miserably, he also runs in and out of the building while we don't see him, tracks mud on the floor, hits us, litters all over the ground when we're not around, hits us, and breaks things when we're not looking.
Luke expressing disapointment after discovering that his locker had been tampered with.
We had known since Year I about the several portals that had been strategically placed around the school, but this year we decided to do something about it. The origin of these portals is unknown, some believe them to be a natural phenomenon, others believe they were built by Mongolian invaders, either way, they must be stopped. All we know of these portals is that they lead from the Sea World to our real world, and it works by the forcing polluted Sea World air up through it, because it has more air pressure than the real world, they use equilibrium to their advantage. We know that it's connected to Sea World, because it smells funny. These portals, when used carefully, can be used to play a game called hoverball, in which two or more people try to keep a paper wad hovering over it so it doesn't fall over the side. But the time for games is over, we must stop the evil Shamoo from making his surprise attack! I've broken the process down into this illustrated story.
|Here I am, contemplating a devious plan with the portal.||Here is the result of my devious plan. Notice that the air pressure is inflating the couch, but there is still air escaping the giant hole in the middle.||Some young hooligans must have thought it would be funny to move the couch so that we couldn't find it. Not to worry, though, these gentlemen were glad to lend a hand with the replacement.|
|Ah, the sweet, acrid smell of victory||Here we are celebrating the completion of this great step in this cushionless urine-scented sofa.|