INTERVIEW #1

Jordan:  So, what if bozo the clown suddenly pulled out a gun and shot himself in the face?
Julie:  That's a little violent!
Jordan:  That's what clowns do.
Julie:  No they don't! That's not appropriate!
Jordan:  But would America be a better place?
Julie:  I don't think so.
Jordan:  Would it be benificial?
Julie:  I think it would enforce the law of gun control.
Jordan:  Ohhhh.
Jordan:  Do you consider yourself a clown hater?
Julie:  No, but not a clown lover either.
Jordan:  AHA!
Jordan:  What if i was a clown?
Julie:  I don't know.
Julie:  I might not talk to you.
Jordan:  Would you want to bite my honky nose?
Julie:  I might... and lick it too.
Jordan:  What if I was bald in the middle?
Jordan:  Would you put shoe shine on my head?
Julie:  I might.
Jordan:  What if the hair on the sides was green?
Julie:  Then I'd get you a box of tissues so it would change to a different color.
Jordan:  What if my breath smelled like sardines?
Julie:  I have news for you--it does.
Jordan:  Oh.
Julie:  But my mom needs the computer, so hold on a minute...
Jordan:  MOMMY! Do you like clowns?
Away message from Julie:  Pray for the victims in Israel.
Jordan:  What if a big fat banana grew out of my nose?
Jordan:  Would that make you happy?
Jordan:  Would that make you laugh?
Jordan:  Is that what people laugh at? Other people's pain?
Jordan:  You are DISPICABLE!
Jordan:  Why don't you just ride on the donut coaster all day?
Jordan:  HUH?!
Jordan:  Sure, just pretend you can't hear me.
Jordan:  I know the truth...
Jordan:  Youre a CLOWN ASSASSIN!
Jordan:  That's right.
Jordan:  And so the cobbler cobbles peach cobbler!
Jordan:  I'm onto you... clown killer.

INTERVIEW #2

Alex:  I'M SHORT!
Jordan:  WELL, WHAT IF ALL OF A SUDDEN BOZO THE CLOWN PULLED OUT A GUN AND SHOT HIMSELF IN THE FACE?
Jordan:  Would that make you feel taller?
Alex:  No, that would be bad.
Jordan:  Would America be a better place?
Jordan:  Are clowns vital to life as we know it?
Alex:  I don't know
Alex:  I have an email addy:   ########@ihateclowns.com
Alex:  But I don't know if I really hate them.
Jordan:  Are you a clown rapist?
Alex:  No.
Jordan:  What if I was a clown?
Jordan:  Would you kick me in the balls?
Alex:  It depends-- haha!
Jordan:  What if I had a red, honky nose and white face paint?
Jordan:  Then what?
Alex:  I don't know.
Jordan:  What if bozo had no arms and he got mustard all over his face?
Jordan:  Would you wipe it off for him?
Alex:  No.
Jordan:  What if he had pointy, yellow teeth and a green worm in his nose?
Jordan:  Then would you?
Alex:  Ew!
Jordan:  If he looked like that and there was a piano hovering over his head on a rope, would you cut it?
Alex:  Probably not, I'd feel guilty.
Jordan:  Aha!
Jordan:  Do you consider yourself ANTI-CLOWN?
Alex:  Sure.
Jordan:  (Gasps.)
Jordan:  What if Jackie Chan was a clown?
Jordan:  Would you still hold that opinion?
Alex:  I don't know.
 JAM8010:  'Cause he'd kick your @$$
Alex:  (Laughs.)
Jordan:  Would clowns be the plague of the planet if they all snorted crack?
Jordan:  Or just the same as they are now?
Alex:  How am I supposed to know??
Jordan:  YOU SHOULD KNOW!
Jordan:  YOUR FATHER IS A CLOWN!
Jordan:  Oh wait- no he isn't.
Jordan:  In conclusion, is the world benefitting from clowns, or is it unaffected, or is it harmed?
Alex:  Let's say unaffected,
Jordan:  Alright, let's!

INTERVIEW #3

Jordan:  WHAT IF BOZO THE CLOWN JUST PULLED OUT A GUN AND SHOT HIMSELF?
Christina:  Clowns scare me.
Jordan:  So, if Bozo asked you out you'd run away screaming? Is that what you're saying?
Christina:  Probably.
Jordan:  What if he wasn't wearing his make up and he asked you out, but then one day you found out he was BOZO?!
Christina:  I'm not sure.
Christina:  I'd feel betrayed.
Jordan:  Ah.
Jordan:  So you'd dump him then?
Christina:  Maybe.
Jordan:  Would you hit him in the nuts?
Christina:  Yes.
Jordan:  How hard?
Christina:  Hard.
Jordan:  ...
Jordan:  Do you enjoy Bozo the Clown's TV show for young children?
Christina:  I don't watch it.
Jordan:  Did you ever enjoy Bozo the Clown?
Christina:  No.
Jordan:  What if I was a clown?
Jordan:  Would you kiss me?
Christina:  No.
Jordan:  If  wasn't a clown....?
Christina:  Maybe.
Jordan:  Aha!
Jordan:  So youre descriminating against clowns?
Christina:  Yes.
Jordan:  You're a clown hater? Is that what you're saying?
Christina:  No, they scare me.
Jordan:  What about clowns with pointy yellow teeth and chainsaws?
Christina:  Yes.
Jordan:  RAAAAAAAA! GRRRRRR GRRRR! VROOOOOOOOM!!!
Jordan:  So, what you're saying is, clowns aren't important to our culture?
Jordan:  Clowns should be eradicated from the face of the earth?
Jordan:  Ship them all to Minnesota and blow them up?
Christina:  I don't know.
Jordan:  What's your solution?
Christina:  ...Pickle.
Jordan:  GENIUS!
Jordan:  Thank you for your time.

INTERVIEW #4

Jordan:    What if a clown jumped up and bit your nose right now?
Luke:    I would say "BAD CLOWN"!!!
Jordan:    What if you were screaming to loud to say that?
Luke:    I would sign it.
Jordan:    What if the clown didn't know sign though?
Luke:    I would make a brail and give it to him.
Jordan:    A brail?
Jordan:    You mean...?
Luke:    Yes.
Jordan:    Oh, ok.
Jordan:    What if he didn't have hands to read brail?
Luke:    Oh...
Luke:    Then I would blink Morse Code.
Jordan:    What if he didn't know that either?
Luke:    I would teach him.
Jordan:    What if it made him have a seizure?
Jordan:    Then he'd bite even harder!
Luke:    I would try to reason with the clown.
Jordan:    What if you were too busy screaming to reason?
Luke:    I wouldn't be so busy that I couldn't talk to my best friend Mr. Clown
Jordan:    What if you screamed so hard your vocal chords broke, and then you had no way to reason?
Luke:    I would make a language where you could talk to someone by clapping, then I would teach it to the clown, and clap him to stop.
Jordan:    He can't clap though- he's got no hands.
Luke:    I would give him hands.
Jordan:    How would you do that?
Luke:    I've got to go.
(Here, Luke clearly runs out of ideas and avoids any further thinking.)

INTERVIEW #5

Jordan:  What if... all of a sudden... BOZO THE CLOWN SHOT HIMSELF?! HUH? HUH?
Morgan:  I probably wouldn't do anything.
Jordan:  Do you enjoy Bozo's television program?
Morgan:  Yeah.
Jordan:  You do eh? Would you laugh if he suddenly pulled out a gun and blew his own head off?
Morgan:  No.
Jordan:  Well what if you thought it was staged, then would you laugh?
Morgan:  Naw.
Jordan:  Do you consider yourself a clown hater?
Morgan:  Pretty much.
Jordan:   If bozo had a big booger on his lips would you get him a tissue?
Morgan:  Nope.
Jordan:  Would you laugh?
Morgan:  Yeah
Jordan:  What if he started crying? Would you pat his back and tell him everything's ok?
Morgan:  I would laugh.
Jordan:  Would you kick him in the choochas?
Morgan:  I'd kick him in the pants.
Jordan:  Would you help him up?
Morgan:  No, haha.
Jordan:  What would you do then?
Morgan:  No clue.
Jordan:  Well what if I was a clown? Would that make you happy?
Morgan:  Nah.
Jordan:  What if I was in clown makeup with a big, red honky nose and I tried to kiss you?
Morgan:  I'd kick you in the pants.
Jordan:  What if I had pointy yellow teeth, a chainsaw, and was wearing a cup?
Morgan:  I'd punch you in the nose.
Jordan:  What if it squeaked? Would that be amusing? Would you do it again?
Morgan:  I'd laugh at you and kick you in the hiney.
Jordan:  What if I squirted you in the eye with my prank flower before you could get behind me?
Morgan:  I'd kick you in the stomach.
Jordan:  What if I cut your leg off with the chainsaw before you could kick me? WHAT IF A DUCK FLEW OUT OF MY SHIRT POCKET AND BIT YOUR NOSE? HMM? HMM? SO WAS IT CLOWNS THAT WERE BEHIND THE EVENTS OF SEPTEMBER 11 2001?
Morgan:  NO!!!
Jordan:  MAYBE THEY WERE CLOWNS DISGUISED AS AFGANS, EVER THINK OF THAT??

INTERVIEW #6

Jordan:  What if Bozo the Clown suddenly pulled out a gun and shot himself in the face?
Shawn:  He would die.
Jordan:  Yeah, any comments on that?
Shawn:  He wouldnt be alive.
Jordan:  Yeah, but-
Shawn:  He'd come back as the replacement lead singer of the Foo Fighters.
Jordan:  How would that make you feel?
Shawn:  It would make me cry.
Jordan:  Oh, how sad.
Shawn:  Their music is bad enough as it is.
Jordan:  Yeah, but we're talking about Bozo.
Jordan:  Would Bozo killing himself make America a better place?
Shawn:  Here's a Foo Fighters song:
"youre not the one but youre the only one to make me feel like that,
youre not the one but youre the only one to make me feel like that,
youre not the one but youre the only one to make me feel like that,
youre not the one but youre the only one to make me feel like that,
youre not the one but youre the only one to make me feel like that,
youre not the one but youre the only one to make me feel like that,
youre not the one but youre the only one to make me feel like that."
Jordan:  That's nice...
Shawn:  No; it's not,
Jordan:  Oh, I'm sorry.
Shawn:  What about Bozo?
Jordan:  Do you enjoy his television program?
Shawn:  Larry King Live?
Jordan:  No, no, no.
Jordan:  "Bozo the Clown".
Shawn:  Barbara Walters?
Jordan:  NO! THAT'S NOT EVEN A SHOW!
Shawn:  Oh,
Jordan:  The guy with red hair, baldness in the middle, a red, honky ball for a nose, and an occasional sidekick (whose name i don't recall).
Shawn:  Oh... you mean Ronald McDonald.
Jordan:  NO!
Jordan:  That's an entireley different clown.
Shawn:  They're all the same clown, f*cktard!
Jordan:  How would YOUUUUU know?
Jordan:  You're not the clown psychiatrist!
Shawn:  Actually, yes i am.
Jordan:  NO, ME!
Shawn:  Oh.
Jordan:  WHAT IF I WAS BOZO THE CLOWN AND I PULLED OUT A GUN AND SHOT MYLSELF IN THE FACE, HMMMMM?
Shawn:  You would die and come back as the keyboard player of Men without Hats, or Flock of Seagulls.
Jordan:  If they don't dance, there's a frog in my pants, well they're no friends o' mine!
Jordan:  What if there was a donkey humping Bozo the Clown?
Jordan:  Would you chase it away or just laugh?
Shawn:  Both.
Jordan:  What if he saw you laughing and shot himself in the face?
Jordan:  Wouldn't that make you feel guilty?
Shawn:  No, it would be even funnier.
Jordan:  What would you do with his body?
Jordan:  Would you urinate on his face?
Jordan:  Would you take off his mask?
Jordan:  WOULD YOU??
Jordan:  SHAWN!
Jordan:  THAT'S AN IMPORTANT QUESTION
Shawn:  Umm...
Shawn:  AAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!
(Here Shawn, also known as Skippy Dancing Rhino, imploded, and thereby could no longer be questioned.)