YEAR 1


Luke's Locker/ Intergalactic Radio


EXPLANATION

This can only mean one thing: Luke's a vampire. Vampires drink from the tall fountains to try and
look big (they're very short). The tall fountain only squirts vampire juice. Without it they die. Luke was possessed by a vampire when he walked into the sunlight. Vampires can't go into the darkness or they burn up, so we stay there. Luke's teacher is the master vampire. That's why he's so fat. He's pregnant with millions of baby vampires. He has a mustache to cover up his fangs. The classroom is the vampire lair. They hibernate inside of well lighted coffins during class. Uncooperative vampires are turned into plants. Luke can turn into a bat. We know this because we find his feathers on the ground. Vampires are mean, that's why Luke hits us. It's not Luke doing it, it's the vampire within. The black spots of tar are
THE EVIL SATANIC TAR BABIES OF THE UNDERWORLD!

Luke's uncle from New Zealand gave us the shard of plastic. That's the ancient sword of the frog people. Luke needs it to defeat the tar babies, but he refuses it. IT'S THE ONLY WAY TO DEFEAT THEM!
LUKE IS THE WORLD'S ONLY HOPE AGAINST THE TAR BABIES, BUT HE WANTS TO BE EVIL! WAAAAAAA!!!
We found a book in the library downtown. It's gotta be from Luke's great great g. g. g. g. grampa, who is from the future. It showed Luke's evil rampage and the corruption he will bring to the Earth. I.T.F. Luke carries a satchel and a bowl to put peoples souls in. That lemon we found on the ground...was a soul. It had a puddle of juice all around it. That was vampire juice. To take a soul, a vampire must first soak the victim in vampire juice (Luke often gets juice from the fountain in his mouth and spits it at us. He usually misses, thank God). Then they suck out their soul and spit it into a cup or bowl.
Invisibility is very useful for spying on Luke. But we have to be careful--coming too close to Luke causes disruption in the real world. Luke gets confused and charges at us, or tries to kick us. Interaction with objects while invisible also causes confusion. Luke will attack the object which seems to come alive to him. Going invisible can also damage a mind if there was a person looking at you just before you went invisible. This can be avoided by wearing sunglasses, but when it does happen, people in the real world get confused about what objects are. This is because when we go invisible, a distortion field is created. For example, when avoiding Luke's attacks we go invisible, and he gets a dazed look on his face. Then he'll sometimes go into a rage, or think his locker is a toilet. We've caught him several times in the act of urinating in the wrong places while we're invisible.

When we found the paper with South DCCK on it and an arrow pointing towards Luke's locker, we knew what we had to do. We taped it on his locker so he wouldn't open it while we began construction of an intergalactic radio. But poor, simple Luke. he could never understand the importance of building something so sophisticated. He tore it off and hit me. "Don't put sh*t in or on my locker". Of course, we thought of more prepositions he had to make rules for. We never gave up our dream of being able to talk to everyone in the universe. Everyday we hid a component somewhere in his locker. He always seemed to find it. He must think they're Easter Eggs. Then he throws them away. We are so sad. Luke has got to be a Klingon conspirator. Like on Star Trek. Whenever Spencer tries to speak Klingon, Luke gets angry and says "stupid" a lot. But that's just an act. Luke IS a Klingon, so he doesn't want us talking to aliens, because Klingons are mean to other aliens. Yeah. Luke has never attempted to speak it, but that's because he's hiding it. How obvious!
 
 

Update for 5-3-01


EXPLANATION

The reason the paper has holes, is because there must be tiny elves who have a diet of solely notebook paper. These one-tooth elves bite a hole on a paper 3 times, and eat the punched out peice. They only cut 3 holes, so they eat a LOT of paper. That's why most paper has holes. The guys kicking the happy sap think it's an angry chihuahua. They are just trying to defend themselves. The girl curling her hair thinks she is a botanist collecting plant samples. Both these cases are from going invisible too often. We have created a permanent rift in the Earth. The rabies on Luke's neck is from when the vampire entered his body. Since vampires are in the bat family, they carry rabies. That's why Luke is sooooo mean! When the vampire enters, its first turns into a feathery bat and then jabs its feet into its victim's neck until it penetrates and gains entry. The person is then possessed. When Luke becomes a bat, this is equal to our ability to becoming invisible (we can never find him). He hides on the ceiling. When we found that feather, we knew he had the power to become a bat. The Germans are mongoose-type alalymous foreen exgeenz aliens. (Easily confused with foreign exchange) We know not what they want, but we have reason to believe it has something to do with the portals...